Métis Musings

“Hurt people hurt people”

This saying has always been true but has really been resonating with me over the last year, especially as I begin to heal some of my own past traumas and take responsibility for the role that I’ve played in contributing to my own hurt.

I’ve always said that I’m a terrible judge of a person’s character because I always see the best in others. Many of my past relationships (romantic and platonic) have started out really wonderfully and ended equally as bad. I’ve always blamed that on other people, and while some of that is true, it was often my inability to let go that dragged on some of the toughest situations I’ve ever been in.

I also identify with an inability to accept being happy when things feel ‘too good to be true’, which means I’ve hurt people who treated me well because I was scared. Leaving before I can be left.

The same old pattern.

Leaving someone who would move mountains to be with me, to chasing someone who won’t even take the hike with me.

This month, on April 27th, I will be turning 35. Mid thirties. Believe me when I say that I envisioned my life so differently at this age than what it is. And just because it’s different that what I thought it would be or thought it should be, certainly doesn’t mean that I am not grateful each morning when I open my eyes and am gifted with another day to live and love.

However, 35 will be my selfish year.

I will no longer chase what’s not meant for me.

I will be a better friend to myself .

I will appreciate those friends who have come into my life and stayed.

I will appreciate those friends who came into my life for a reason or a season. Whether we still talk or not, know that you had a profound impact on me and I will always be cheering you on and wishing you well.

This year, I am going to learn how to truly love myself. What I believe has been missing all of these years – what I thought was a flaw in other people or a flaw in myself – was as simple and as complicated at this: I hadn’t learned to truly love myself so I was searching for it in others. And when I didn’t get it from them, I thought it meant something was wrong with me. That I wasn’t worthy. If I can truly love myself, then another person loving me will just be icing on the cake, so to speak!

I am worth it. And I’m going to prove that to myself. This year and every year to come.

And YOU ARE TOO!